Fellow New Bizarro Author Justin Grimbol submitted a fantastically hilarious story for the Love the Placenta! fan fic contest. In his story, the infamous Pussy Bear from Grimbol’s New Bizarro Author Series book The Crud Masters meets the placenta!
The bridge of the star ship was filthy. Dirty laundry and empty beer cans covered the floor. The only furniture was a broken down couch. It was the only thing they had salvaged before the planet was devoured by a massive placenta.
Earl was watching the placenta on the view screen. It was heading towards the sun. He figured it was trying to commit suicide.
Tyler walked onto the bridge. He was tall and gangly and danced as he walked. He was holding a joint. He liked the bridge when he was stoned. He liked all the computer and blinking gizmos.
“WHATS UP!” he yelled.
Earl looked at him and smiled.
Tyler jumped on the couch. He saw the placenta on the view screen.
“That thing looks kinda sexy in a weird way,” Tyler said.
“It’s kinda sad that the thing’s going to kill itself.”
“Why? It destroyed earth. It killed everyone we know.”
“It didn’t kill you, or the rest of the Crud Masters.”
That was the name of their gang. And the placenta actually had killed most of them. About ten of them were able to escape along with a group of monks.
“What have you been up to?” Earl asked.
“Dude so I was checking up on the monks,” Tyler said.
“How are those nerds?”
“Dude, they were all fucking.”
“No way. I thought they were celibate.”
“Pussy Bear got to them?”
Pussy bear was the oldest member of the Crud Masters. She was a hundred year old Grizzly Bear with eighteen year old boobs.
“Fuck, even monks couldn’t resist the giant bear ass,” Earl said.
“I know man. It was chaos. I got scared a little but then I joined in.”
“Yeah man, me and this monk dude made out. It was bi-curious as hell. I didn’t like it, but didn’t not like it either. I live in outer space now. Shit’s crazy.”
Earl laughed. Tyler passed him the joint. They smoked.
“Seriously though,” Tyler went on. “You shouldn’t go in there.”
“Why not? I want to have an orgy.”
“You are in a relationship bro. You’re going to get married.”
“I don’t want to be monogamous though. The Earth has been destroyed. I should be able to fuck around with what few people still exist.”
“Does that mean I can hook up with Lisa?”
“Fuck you man. You want to hook up with my girlfriend? That’s messed up as hell.”
“You said you didn’t like monogamy.”
“What makes you think she would want to fuck you anyway?”
“Why do you have to make me feel insecure about my body?”
Earl looked at the view screen.
“Holy shit,” he said. “Look.”
“Look at the screen.”
The placenta had reached the sun. Tyler dashed the intercom and called everyone to the bridge. The rest of the Crud Masters and the monks joined them. Lisa was there too. She sat on Earl’s lap.
They all watched the placenta consume the sun.
“Holy shit,” Pussy Bear said. “It’s eating the sun just like it ate all the planets and moons in the solar system.”
“Should I be scared?” Lisa asked.
“No, it’s fine. We are at a safe distance,” Earl assured his girlfriend.
Angry pink light came through the screen and filled the bridge. The light flickered rapidly. It was like a skid knee colored strobe light.
For a moment it looked like the sun had run out of electricity. It was dark.
When it lit back up, it was the shape of a lady. It was a massive pink lady.
“That’s one big ass bitch,” Pussy Bear said.
The ginormous pink lady bent over and spread its ass cheeks. All the power of the sun shot of its anus. It propelled the placenta woman into the distance at a speed that was impossible to understand.
“Where do you think it went?” Tyler asked.
“Where no man has gone before,” Earl said.
He smiled and stared at the dark screen and felt stoned and happy to live in such an unfathomably large universe.
Justin Grimbol grew up in Sag Harbor New York. His parents were both Presbyterian ministers. He attended Green Mountain College, and majored in partying. He is the author of Drinking Until Morning and The Crud Masters.