We’re ending Vince Kramer week with the first story he wrote. Ever. I hope you enjoy “100 Story Building Drowning in Cum”!
Mad thoughts race through my head as I hold my wife by her leg, dangling her upside-down over the side of the 100-story-tall Taco Co. building I am CEO of. She is screaming and begging for her life, and I ignore her while I have awesome flashbacks of beating up my father. I smile.
“They only let you be CEO because they’re scared to death of you!” she screams. “You think you can do anything you want! You’re not going to get away with it forever!”
I snap back into reality. I laugh. Then I get angry again and yell down at her, “Shut the fuck up, Susan! I’m sick of you hiding the paper cups! And don’t worry – YOU CAN FLY!”
She screams as I let go of her leg, and then I lean over the ledge to watch her plummet towards oblivion. Oh, how she screams. I grin with how the pitch of her shrieking cry gets lower and lower until she splatters all over the pavement, leaving a big mess that will surely ruin the building’s janitors’ whole entire day. I breathe a sigh of relief, light a cigarette, and already start reminiscing about the whole thing. My favorite part was the flailing of the arms and legs. That looked so fucking hilarious. Then a feeling of disappointment washes over me as I wish I had been at the bottom. I hope to god that someone filmed it! I go back inside to get coffee.
“You have 3 messages” says my beautiful, nude secretary.
“I’ll get to them later. Want to fuck? I’m single now.”
“What?! You broke up with Susan?”
I shrug, and say “Kind of.”
“So – wait? You don’t want to fuck me?”
She started sobbing, and slapped me on the shoulder.
“I didn’t say that!”
“Then meet me in my office in a little while. Maybe sucking my dick on an hourly basis could be your new job from now on.”
And that’s when the screaming about there being a suicide begins to catch fire all around the office. I forgot all about killing Susan. (I have an extremely bad case of ADHD, you know.) I figure I’ll have to go downstairs and make a comment about how I just murdered her. I don’t want people to think she was the kind of person who would just go and commit suicide. She would never go and do something like that. Even though I killed her, she was a sweet person, really. Naaaah, she was a total fucking cunt. But I think I’ll go hold a stupid “OOOH, BIG DEAL!” press conference AFTER I get my first blowjob as a single-man. Hope beautiful, nude secretary swallows.
If she does, then she has a bright future with this company. Taco Co. – a company that gives away free tacos as long as we can kill our enemies with no mercy. MY company.
A few years later I watched from down the street as a huge radioactive monster fucked the building and filled it with cum from the top floor to bottom, drowning everyone inside. Then I had a new idea – “Free Tacos, with RADIOACTIVE MONSTER CUM!” Wait, maybe I’ll scratch the “free” part. I’m fucking homeless.
Vince Kramer is a crazy person who won’t hesitate to attack the X-Men in the morning, the Justice League in the afternoon, and have the entire cast of Friends raped and murdered by midnight. He also isn’t real and a figment of your imagination. Actually, all of his works were really done by the Mothman. Having two head surgeries by the age of 18, he had one million lite-brite bulbs inserted into his brain. This makes him immortal. He lives in Happy Valley, Oregon, alone with his pet iguana, Desmond Harrington. He loves Desmond Harrington, cult horror films, G.I. Joe, death metal, the ’80s, Star Wars, and Devo. He hates animal hair, the sun, midgets, politics and transvestites. His greatest fear is being outside having an allergy attack while he’s being raped by transvestites as midgets stab him and talk his ear off about politics. He’s also afraid of air. He thinks being a Conservative Republican is funny, even though he has no idea what it means. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, you can see him power-walking through the Hollywood District in a full-on Star Trek: The Next Generation Captain’s uniform, attacking homeless people with silly string. He loves you and wants your smell all over him. His first book, Gigantic Death Worm, is available now.