Ride the Placenta of Love

Hola Comrades,

How are the fan fic stories and banners going?

Need some inspiration?

Here’s a description of all the rides on Venus!

Have a marvelous ride…


The Felini Wheel

     The Felini Wheel is an adult-only ride, and one of Venus’ most popular. Originally titled “The Fellatio Wheel” until mothers complained, The Felini Wheel allows male guests to stand around the outside circumference of a giant wheel. A stunning automaton, male or female, depending on the rider’s preference, kneels before the rider. The automatons look up at the riders, and smile the same blank, brilliant smiles.

As The Felini slowly begins to rotate, the automatons pull the riders’ pants down to their ankles and begin to automatically fellate the guests. They service skillfully, mindlessly, for automatons have no minds of their own. During the course of the ride, the wheel begins to tilt up at an angle, spinning faster and faster. Eventually the wheel has tipped 180 degrees and spins 135 miles per hour.

After five minutes, the wheel slows and returns to its normal position. The automatons’ lifelessly offer the guests a moist towelette.

Riders disembark incredibly light-headed, on both ends.


The Flying U

     Another one of Venus’ largest rides, The Flying U is twelve stories of rusty and rickety metal that had been bolted together to form a massive U. On each side of the U, naked go-go dancers writhe in cages. It is the only ride on Venus designed entirely by the park guests waiting in line to ride it. The guests take the scrap metal and bolts that fall off its creaking structure and affix it in whatever fanciful ways they dare. The U’s car holds six passengers at a time, and tumbles down from one peak of the U to the other, and back again, at 175 miles an hour. Every ninety seconds, a giant flame shoots up through the U’s bottom, usually missing the car full of park guests. The car repeats this motion until enough parts fall off for the crowd to reinvent the ride.


The Tilt-‘N-Hurl

     The Tilt-‘N-Hurl is primarily popular with teenagers who are old enough to not pass out during the ride from fear, yet are young enough to not vomit throughout the entire ride. Despite the name, it is preferred guests do not hurl on The Tilt-‘N-Hurl, or any other Venusian ride.

Similar to the Earth favorite, the ”Tilt-a-Whirl,” the Tilt-N-Hurl sends guests turning from side-to-side and head-over-wheels as the ride’s platform slings the guests past Venus’ atmosphere and into low orbit. The ride then falls back to its platform. Guests are asked to keep heads and limbs inside the Tilt-N-Hurl at all times to prevent injuries. If necessary, replacement automaton body parts are available at Guest Services for a reasonable fee.


The Ziggurot

     The Ziggurot is one of Venus’ largest rides. The cars in which the guests ride take the form of mythological creatures. Unicorns and griffins and phoenixes are particularly popular among young children. The Ziggurot lines upon which the Ziggurot cars race are thirty stories off the ground. The lines zig and zag every twelve feet. Via The Ziggurot, guests can quickly make their way from Venus’ north most pole to the south most pole. Because the lines are above the car, guests aren’t always sure when they’ll be jerked into a new direction or in which land they will stop. It’s the wildest, fastest way to travel through all of the lands of the park.


The Balbosa

     Like the most important features on other planets, The Balbosa is so large it can be seen from space.

The Balbosa is composed two enormous, one-hundred-and-one-story-tall hairless, muscular men’s legs facing each other across a field, and a thirty-story-tall mottled crystal ball. Guests sit in both the opposing sandaled feet and within the mottled crystal ball.

The legs then fight each other competitively to kick the ball into Venus’ atmosphere. The ball flies into space, and orbits around Venus once before bouncing back to land.


The Fairytale Castle

     The Fairytale Castle is the least known attraction in all of Venus; not a single tourist has ever been within its hallowed walls. The castle is magical. Like most magical castles, its inhabitants have fallen under a curse. Within its royal hall, automaton royalty and courtiers were meant to lie wide-eyed in eternal slumber.

High atop the highest tower sits a bed fit for a princess waiting for the kiss that would awaken her. It is as empty as the knee cushion fashioned for the prince that would kneel by her side. The automatons are lost elsewhere, forgotten in time.  Only two living people on Venus knew why the Fairytale castle was abandoned uncompleted. And now, one of them is dead.


The Driller

     The Driller is a canary yellow and royal purple twelve-hundred foot cage with one pointed end, while the other end is attached to a massive arm.

Guests sit on the inside of The Driller’s cage. When the ride starts, the arm lifts the cage off the ground and the cage begins to spin right and then left and then right again. The arm continues to lift the cage into the air, until the arm is completely extended and the cage’s pointed end scrapes against Venus’ pink cotton candy atmosphere.

Guests are discouraged from reaching out of the cage in order to grab some cotton candy.

Once the arm is fully extended and the cage is spinning at a rate of ninety miles an hour, the arm jerks back and thrusts the cage in a completely different direction. Again and again, the arm jerks back in another direction and thrusts the cage forward again.

The Driller has been described as resembling a flamingo having an angry seizure.

Guests who are prone to angry seizures are discouraged from riding.


The Carousel of Children

     The Carousel of Children is the delight of all those parents that want to leave their offspring someplace safe and distracting while they go out and sample Venus’s more adult fare.

The giant spinning building is staffed with automatons that are programmed to entertain and care for the crowds of laughing and wailing children. Puppet shows and balloons and sharp-toothed clowns amuse and keep the kiddies in line.

Parents usually return to pick up their beloved offspring bearing candy apples and neon-colored popcorn balls, but if they fail to appear, the Carousel of Children also serves as The Venusian Center for New Employees.


The Launch Shuttle

     The tourist launch shuttles are neither very exciting, nor technically part of the attractions on Venus. They lift slowly, maneuver like gentle balloons, and generally have a hard time getting out of the way of anything faster than a cotton candy cloud.

On the day Helen attacked the park, many of the fleeing tourists considered the Launch Shuttle the most harrowing ride they had ever seen.


The Flaming Riders

     Only the bravest, or most inebriated, of Venus’ guests venture inside The Flaming Riders’ sleek black tent. Inside, bleachers levitate over the outer ring of a one-hundred foot wide fire pit. The fire pit extends one-thousand feet below Venus’ surface.

Guests sit on the bleachers, and cling to one another, hoping they don’t fall from their seats. Seven motorcyclists burst through the tent’s seven flaps, shoot into the air, fly over the crowd’s heads, the flaming pit, and land on the other side of the tent. When the motorcycles fly over the fire pit, the wheels catch on fire.

Again and again, the motorcycles shoot over the crowd and over the pit, crossing each other, doing loops in the air, or arching at odd angles. The motorcycles go faster and faster until only crossing lines of flame can be seen.

The Flaming Riders is Venus’ only attraction to exclusively feature human performers.


     The Doors of Life

      The Doors of Life is so tiny that most park guests never find it. Seemingly large enough for one small person, The Doors of Life is marked by the tent canvas’ shifting colors–electric indigo one moment, blending into Mediterranean green, and back again.

Once inside the tent, each guest will find herself inside a twelve-foot-by-twelve-foot room, covered with doors of all colors. A small, copper automaton rolls into the middle of the room. The guest is instructed to place a headband on her head.

Instantly, movies of events in the guest’s life appear behind the doors. The guest can open one door and focus on any event she likes, or open all the doors to view her entire history.

Once the doors show the guest’s life to the present time, each door shows the guest’s possible futures, including possible deaths.

Once guests see their pasts and their presents, most report having a clearer focus on what they want their futures to be. Very few guests go insane.




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