Monthly Archives: February 2012

Interview with Vince Kramer


Vince Kramer is hilarious, clever, witty; his first book, Gigantic Death Worm, is nothing but pure entertainment.

In our interview, Vince talks about what he wishes he could pull out of thin air, his relationship to the TV sitcom Friends, and what the future holds for one of the funniest men writing bizarro fiction.

You can check out the outtakes from this interview at Bizarro Central.

If you were like Dave from Gigantic Death Worm and could pull things out of the air, what are the three things you’d grab and why?

Wacky Wall Crawlers.  They don’t sell them anywhere anymore.  I KNOW they have crates of them in a warehouse somewhere.  I fucking want them.  Remember those things?  I’d always get packs of them at flea markets in the ‘80s.  They were tiny, sticky Octopi that came in various colors and you could throw them at the window and they’d crawl down and you’d have insane amounts of fun for hours.  They’re totally fucking amazing, and they make slinkies and Rubik’s cubes look like pieces of crap.

Then I would grab Kevin Donihe’s vintage G.I. Joe action figure collection out of his closet in Tennessee.  I started collecting the old toys a couple years ago and they’re pretty expensive.  Then Kevin told me he had ALL OF THEM, and he saved them all in the carrying cases when he was a kid and he’s had them stored away ever since.  I made him sit down with me and my collector’s magazine and he pointed out each and every one he has.  Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow, Destro, Shipwreck, Duke; everybody.  All the weapons and everything.  I flipped out.  It would help me out a lot if I got them, since it seems like it will be a lifelong quest to complete the collection, and I’m worried I might die having failed at that.  But, Kevin is keeping them forever.  AND HE’S NOT EVEN DISPLAYING THEM!!

I’d also grab Kevin Donihe while I’m at it, I guess.  Because all of us in the Bizarro scene in Portland want him to live here really bad.

But this is all assuming I already have my iPod on me, food, water, and plenty of money, or am even in my house surrounded by all my things and have no worries in the world.

Although, if this was some kind of survival scenario, I think I’d still grab the same three things.  Because I’m pretty confident I’d be able to get out of the situation anyways, and I’d kick myself in the ass for wasting the opportunity to have these awesome things.  Oh, but that means Kevin would be there too all of a sudden.  That’s OK though, I’m sure he’d be happy to take part in the adventure.  Besides, I’d need him to carry all his G.I. Joe toys.

The catchphrase “Fiesta or death!” is taking over the world. Tell us about your personal catchphrase.

I usually always say “HOLY SHIT!” and “THAT’S THE BEST THING EVER!” a lot, just because I get so super-fucking excited about shit I can’t contain myself.  I just flip out on how awesome something is.  And sometimes it can be something pretty trivial to some people, like a tree, deal, or weather pattern, but special to me for reasons no one would understand.  This amuses a lot of people.  My friend David has even dubbed me “Captain Hyperbole.”

I also fuck-up a lot of phrases when I’m frustrated.  I’ve caught myself saying “Jesus Christ ON A CAKE!” a lot.  “Gods gift to sliced bread,” “We’ll cross that bridge when we drive over it.”. Shit like that.  And also – “Shit like that,” “Fuckin’ A!,” “You know?,” “…and shit.”

The television show Friends plays a fairly prominent role in Gigantic Death Worm. Please tell us your history and current relationship with this show.

It was just a random thing, really.  Maybe it also had something to do with those recurring dreams I used to have where I would accidentally set Courtney Cox on fire.  It involved her volunteering for a stunt on my reality show or something, and it always went horribly wrong.  So maybe it was to make it up to her.  But yeah, I remember Friends being a big deal when it came out, INSANELY popular, and me and everyone I knew loved the show at the time.  So it’s pretty easy to catch all the references.  It’s a huge part of our pop culture.  It started getting really annoying halfway through, but I stuck with it, like I do with everything.  All they would ever do is complain and embarrass themselves.  But I caught an episode again recently, and a lot of the one-liners were still laugh-out-loud funny.  It was still awful, and I can’t believe I ever watched it.  But the show had great writing and an excellent cast, and it was a big part of most people’s lives for a whole decade.

Last year I wrote a short story where they get in a huge fight backstage.  I had Courtney Cox doing coke, Matthew Perry sitting in the corner cutting himself, and David Schwimmer trying to kill Jennifer Anniston after she caught Matt LeBlanc giving him a blow job.  It was pretty good.

‘80s music also makes a frequent occurrence in your book. Would you please provide us with a playlist for listeners to read Gigantic Death Worm to?

I think the theme from Friends should play before every chapter, and you could imagine a “Previously, on Gigantic Death Worm” narrative segment before you start reading.  A lot of ‘80s songs are even mentioned in the book, and they’re meant to be played in your head when they’re mentioned (granted you have a good memory, LOL).  The “Summer of ’69” by Bryan Adams plays during Dave’s flashback.  I chose that as a random thing to be funny.  But stuff like The Hooters and Billy Ocean were literally playing the whole time on my record player while I was writing the book.  “And We Danced” and “Caribbean Queen” are noted as playing during the final fiesta, but I also imagine awesome dance party songs like “It Takes Two” by Rob Base and “Pump Up the Jam” by Technotronic would be somewhere in the mix as well.  And “Drive” by The Cars at the end of the night when things are dying down.

And there’re ‘80s songs that I think would be perfect for certain scenes, like “(Don’t You) Forget About Me” by Simple Minds – that should be playing during the final farewell between the characters at the ending.  “I Ran (So Far Away)” by A Flock of Seagulls would be perfect for many of the “running-away-from-worms” scenes.  “Maneater” by Hall & Oates could be Worm-Head Girl’s theme song; it should start every time she appears.  And I think it would be awesome if “Hungry Like the Wolf” by Duran Duran was playing during Mike’s death scene, or at any time the bears and wolves attack.  Which would be really funny, because that’s such an upbeat super-fun song.  Imagine someone getting killed to that and you can get a clear picture of my intended sense of humor.

Plus, I’m a huge death metal fan, so there are a few brutal death metal songs that would fit perfect with all of the ‘serious’, intense action scenes, and scenes were the worms are destroying pretty much everything.  “Inverted”, by Gorguts, would be the best-fitting.  But also – “Anatomy of a Catastrophe” by Sinister, for sure, “Shapeless Domination” by Monstrosity, and “Finite” by Origin.  It has to be super-fast, insanely heavy, and full of blast beats.  And pretty much almost every song by Cannibal Corpse, Napalm Death, Krisiun, and Malevolent Creation.

So, basically, just everything that’s on Dave’s iPod.  Because I’m pretty sure we have the exact same one.

Also, you can’t go wrong with any song with the word “worm” in them.  Here’s a list of some –

Worm Infested by Cannibal Corpse

Worm World by Zyklon

Worms by Mortician

Worms in Rectum by Impaled Nazarene

Worms Listen by Thought Industry

Wormy Eyes by Lawnmower Deth

Anointing the Worms by The Ravenous

As the Worm Turns by Faith No More

Back to the Worms by Cryptopsy (which became part of Dave’s catchphrase at the end of the book.)

Enter the Worms by Cathedral

He, The Great Worm by Thou Art Lord

Jack Worm by Entombed

Of Worms, Jesus Christ, and Jackson Country Missouri by Success Will Write Apocalypse Across the Sky

The Worms Crawl In by Impaled

Waiting for the Worms by Pink Floyd

White Worms by Cryptopsy

Graveworm by Benediction

Jaundice of Hookworm by Mexican Disgorge

And you could also listen to entire albums with “worm” in the title, like Hollenthon’s “With Vilest of Worms to Dwell,” Marduk’s ‘Wormwood’ or Butthole Surfers’ “Independent Worm Saloon.”  And I would also highly recommend the theme from the Earthworm Jim cartoon.

Worms are awesome.

Would you tell us about your future writing goals?

Wow, the FUTURE!  Well, I definitely want to get a job in Antarctica in one of those scientific research stations, and write a book down there because it sounds like the perfect environment to do something like that.  Plus, according to movies like Whiteout or The Thing, it’s a really, really exciting place so that would be truly inspirational.  And then, with my Antarctican Science Research money, I’d like to buy the first house I lived in when I was little kid back in Philadelphia.  It was 100 years old, huge, had a gigantic yard, and I have nothing but great memories of it.  I’d like to live there and write books all through my 40’s.  And beyond that, even further in the future, I really just see myself writing in a space station or moon base.  I think you can get a lot more things done when you’re far away from people and normal every day life.  Especially if you’re in outer space.

_______________________

Vince Kramer’s Gigantic Death Worm is currently available at Amazon, both in paperback and Kindle versions, at Barnes and Noble in paperback and on the Nook, and through your favorite indie bookshop.

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Gigantic Death Worm by Vince Kramer


Gigantic Death Worm takes place at an Arizonian ski resort where the hero can magically pull McDonald’s cheeseburgers and booze out of thin air and bears attack by spitting wolves. It’s 2012 and and Dave must save Phoenix from the Gigantic Death Worm who threatens to destroy… well, probably everything.

Dave isn’t alone in his quest, in addition to a veterinarian and his newly worm-headed girlfriend, he’s also hooked up with Ponce de Leon II (yes, descended from that Ponce de Leon) and a band of Mexican Ninjas who have mastered the art of sombrero-fu.

Does Dave succeed? Does the world survive past 2012? Are Ross and Rachel from Friends going to get together, break up and get together again?

Truly, Gigantic Death Worm’s strength lies in author Vince Kramer’s humor. Particularly, relevant to Gen Xers (though totally applicable to anyone who likes to hang out for an hour and laugh), who grew up on the 80s music mentioned in the book and came of age during Friends’ heyday, this book is one of those books you can see translated into one of those hilariously ridiculous farces so popular in the 80s, and into the 90s. In fact, I’m pretty sure Ponce de Leon II could have been played by Leslie Nielson.

Give Vince Kramer a shot – the world of Bizarro humor is young. Kramer is sure to inspire and broaden this niche.

Beasting Alone by Justin Grimbol


Pussy Bear was the most extreme case of body modification on the island. She had changed her whole body. She had transformed herself into a Bear. A grizzly, with massive breasts. She was curvy and her teethe were as white as the flash of strobe light. She ruled the local dance clubs with her giant bear ass, like and ancient God.

One night, while she was out partying, she met a strange looking guy. He had a big jaw and big black eyes and a horn on his head. He was a unicorn. She was sure of it.

Finally, she thought, I have met someone who body modifications are as extreme as mine.

She danced with him all night. She grinded against his crotch and didn’t worry about hurting him the way she did with normal men. They were two majestic beasts stomping on the earth, punishing it and loving it all at once.

The next morning she woke up in his hotel room. The air conditioner was buzzing. Bright red numbers blinked on the alarm. She found his horn lying next to her. It stank like sex. There were two straps dangling from it. She looked at the man in her bed. His face wasn’t long like a horse. It was big and goofy looking. His pants were around his ankles. He looked puny.

Pussy Bear put his horn on her head and tied the straps under her chin like it was the type of hat they hand out at birthday parties. She walked over to a large mirror in the bathroom. She looked ridiculous. She was not a majestic beast. She was just a big horny bear that stank like a floor of a bar.

The boy rolled onto his stomach and let out a loud fart. It stank. It made Pussy Bear’s hair stand up on end. She wanted to beat him with until his bones broke.

Instead, she got in the shower and let the hot water wash over her. She tried to clean herself. There was a small container of shampoo. It wasn’t enough to cover all the fur on her body.

She stood in the shower and let the hot water beat against her body.

The boy came in.

“Do you have my horn?” he asked.

She pointed to the sink. It was next to the tooth brush, a bar of soap and his deodorant.

The boy picked it up and sniffed it and smiled. He held it in his hands the way a religious man would hold a cross.

“Do you want to get breakfast?” the boys asked.

“I’m not paying for your breakfast,” she said.

“I didn’t ask you to.”

The two of them walked down to the bagel shop. They each ordered three bacon egg and cheese sandwiches, then brought their breakfast to the docks and ate and looked at the cold water. A jelly fish swam beneath them. The boy took a piece of his bagel and chucked it at the jelly fish.

“Jelly fish don’t eat bagels,” Pussy Bear said.

The boy laughed. She wasn’t really trying to make a joke, but she was happy that the boy found what she said to be amusing.

They continued staring at the water. The boy tried to ask her about her surgery. He was curious about how much it cost to turn into a bear. “I don’t want to talk about it,” she said.

“I’m full,” the boy said.

He threw his bagel into the water. It floated for a moment and then began to sink. Pussy Bear gasped as she saw a hand reach out of the murky depths and grab the bagel.

“What the hells that?” she yelled.

A woman came out of the water. She was naked. Her breasts were large and firm and her nipples were sea shells. She opened her mouth. It was big and filled with razor sharp teeth. She took a bite out of the bagel. And then another. She smiled at the bear and the boy. She winked and then did a big flip, diving back into the bay. While she was in the air they noticed she didn’t have legs, but a tale, like a fish.

“Was that a mermaid?” the boy asked.

Pussy Bear nodded. “I think so.”

“I’ve never seen someone have a body modification so extreme before,” the boy said.

Pussy Bear felt a pang of jealousy.

“I didn’t know they had created a way for people to breath underwater. That was totally awesome. When I have enough money I’m totally going to become a mermaid. A unicorn mermaid.”

He looked at the bear and brushed her cheek with the back of his hand. “Maybe you could be a mermaid too. Half bear, half mermaid.”

She smacked his hand away and growled.

The boy jumped back.

Pussy Bear laughed.

“I don’t think that woman had had her body modified,” she said.

“You don’t? You think that was an actual mermaid.”

The bear smiled. Her teeth were large and wet. The boy looked nervous. She liked that.

“I need another bacon egg and cheese,” she said.

“You’ve already had three sandwiches. How are you still so hungry?”

“I’m a bear,” she said. “Bears like to eat. I’m going to eat three more of those greasy things and then I’m going to go the bar when it opens and I’m going to start drinking.”

“Can I come with?”

“No, I think you should go and snuggle with your little girlfriend,” she said.

“My what?”

Pussy Bear pushed the boy off the edge of the pier.

“Help! Help! I can’t swim!” He cried out.

Pussy Bear laughed. She had a great laugh. She laughed with everything she had and that day she laughed with even more than that. She laughed so hard the entire town could hear her.

FREE BOOKS!


Hola Comrades!

There’s 7 days left in the Placenta of Love Goodreads giveaway. 200 people have requested a copy so far. I would love these two signed copies to go to Bizarro-, weird fiction-loving homes, so if you haven’t, please sign up.

Also, Powells (one of the greatest, if not the greatest, bookstore ON EARTH) is offering those who post a comment about Placenta of Love the chance to win free books. (I KNOW! FREE BOOKS! SO EXCITED!)

I’ll let you know if I hear about more awesome free book opportunities.

Also, for you Bigfoot lovers and ale connoisseurs, the wonderful Ross Lockhart has posted a review of Bigfoot Barleywine Style Ale, complete with suggested book pairings, at Bizarro Central’s new feature: Thirsty Thursdays. YUM!

Love the Placenta Entries!


Hola Comrades!

I’ve started to receive entries for the Love the Placenta! contest. They’re strange, and amazing, and funny, and weird and gorgeous.

Keep them coming!

 

The Justin Grimbol Interview


Here it is, the Justin Grimbol interview! The Grimbolina exposes his emotional state, his addictions and himself! Outtakes were posted Tuesday the 21st at Bizarro Central.

In The Crud Masters, when a car battery needs charging, Crud Master Soda Can attaches his cock to the battery in an attempt to jumpstart the car. When you need to jump a car, how do you get it started?

I would get anxious and have a hissy fit. This would probably not get my car started, but it is what I would do.

The Crud Masters have awesome names like Boogers, Snuggles, Clitty, Soda Can and Pussy Bear. What’s your Crud Master name, and why?

The Masters are real. Sort of. You see, I grew up in the Hamptons. Kids dressed really nice, real hip. The kids who dressed poor were called Crud Meisters. That’s where I got the name. I was a Crud Miester. I wasn’t poor, but I was chubby and had a mullet and I dressed really badly. I was the cruddiest Crud Meister.

And I’ve had lots of nicknames. Table butts my favorite nick name. Usually people call me Grimboly, or Boly.

My dad had a great nick name in college. He was called War Head, because of the way his dick would poke out of his boxers shorts. My cock does the same thing. I think I should be called War Head Junior.

Crud Master Boogers got his name because he’s addicted to nasal spray, which has resulted in him being constantly congested. What are you addicted to, and what’s the unfortunate side-effect?

I was actually addicted to nasal spray for eight years. That part of the book is based on my actual life. I couldn’t breathe without using the stuff. I couldn’t sleep without snorting that shit. Sometimes I would run out and go on crazy journeys in the middle of the night to find some Afrin. It was intense. Then I started working at a drug and alcohol rehab. I was watching people detox off of heroin. Some of the clients had really rough detoxes. They got all sweaty and shaky. They would see things and vomit all over the place. They were going through hell. And I was complaining about having the sniffles. I felt like a dork. So I quit using nasal spray. That was about a year ago. I couldn’t breathe through my nose for almost three months. My nose still doesn’t work properly. I have so many boogers. I’ve gotten used to it. No big deal.

The Crud Masters is essentially a retelling of the YA classic The Outsiders, only with Transformers and Japanese-style monsters. What books did you love as a teenager?

I read comics. I read underground stuff, like R Crumb and Pete Bagge’s Hate and Love and Rockets and shit like that. I didn’t start reading prose and poetry until I was 21. My buddy Gorcoff told me to read Ham on Rye by Bukowski. Then all hell broke loose.

Justin — I keep seeing naked, or almost naked, pictures of you. And when I don’t see such pictures, you’re offering to take your clothes off. Are you a nudist?

I love getting naked.

I went to a hippy college in Vermont. Kids got naked all the time there. Heather, my fiancé, and I met at a naked party. Everyone there was naked and dancing to some shitty jam band music. I hated the music but I loved being naked. I walked right up to the her and I was like: “What’s up baby, check out my dangus!” We danced. It was romantic.
Sometimes being naked can be embarrassing though. A couple of weeks ago my belt broke. I tried to fix it with tape. It didn’t work. The tape came loose while I was at this sleazy club called BUBBAS. My pants kept falling down. At one point I started dancing. I was having fun shaking my rump around. Then this bouncer came up to me. “Sir, you have to pull you pants up,” he said. “We’ve been getting complaints.”

I got really embarrassed. People were complaining! What have I turned into? I kept thinking. I felt like a complete degenerate. I might as well been pushing around a shopping cart full of empty beer cans around the club.

Being an adult is horrible. I wish I could find a loop hole.

I’m resilient though. I keep getting naked and showing the world my stuff. I got naked for a promo I did. It was a good time. You can find it on my website (NSFW).

______________________

Justin Grimbol grew up in Sag Harbor New York. His parents were both Presbyterian ministers. He attended Green Mountain College, and majored in partying. He is the author of Drinking Until Morning and The Crud Masters.

The Crud Masters is currently available at Amazon, Barnes and Noble and through your favorite indie bookstore.

Ride the Placenta of Love


Hola Comrades,

How are the fan fic stories and banners going?

Need some inspiration?

Here’s a description of all the rides on Venus!

Have a marvelous ride…

 

The Felini Wheel

     The Felini Wheel is an adult-only ride, and one of Venus’ most popular. Originally titled “The Fellatio Wheel” until mothers complained, The Felini Wheel allows male guests to stand around the outside circumference of a giant wheel. A stunning automaton, male or female, depending on the rider’s preference, kneels before the rider. The automatons look up at the riders, and smile the same blank, brilliant smiles.

As The Felini slowly begins to rotate, the automatons pull the riders’ pants down to their ankles and begin to automatically fellate the guests. They service skillfully, mindlessly, for automatons have no minds of their own. During the course of the ride, the wheel begins to tilt up at an angle, spinning faster and faster. Eventually the wheel has tipped 180 degrees and spins 135 miles per hour.

After five minutes, the wheel slows and returns to its normal position. The automatons’ lifelessly offer the guests a moist towelette.

Riders disembark incredibly light-headed, on both ends.

 

The Flying U

     Another one of Venus’ largest rides, The Flying U is twelve stories of rusty and rickety metal that had been bolted together to form a massive U. On each side of the U, naked go-go dancers writhe in cages. It is the only ride on Venus designed entirely by the park guests waiting in line to ride it. The guests take the scrap metal and bolts that fall off its creaking structure and affix it in whatever fanciful ways they dare. The U’s car holds six passengers at a time, and tumbles down from one peak of the U to the other, and back again, at 175 miles an hour. Every ninety seconds, a giant flame shoots up through the U’s bottom, usually missing the car full of park guests. The car repeats this motion until enough parts fall off for the crowd to reinvent the ride.

 

The Tilt-‘N-Hurl

     The Tilt-‘N-Hurl is primarily popular with teenagers who are old enough to not pass out during the ride from fear, yet are young enough to not vomit throughout the entire ride. Despite the name, it is preferred guests do not hurl on The Tilt-‘N-Hurl, or any other Venusian ride.

Similar to the Earth favorite, the ”Tilt-a-Whirl,” the Tilt-N-Hurl sends guests turning from side-to-side and head-over-wheels as the ride’s platform slings the guests past Venus’ atmosphere and into low orbit. The ride then falls back to its platform. Guests are asked to keep heads and limbs inside the Tilt-N-Hurl at all times to prevent injuries. If necessary, replacement automaton body parts are available at Guest Services for a reasonable fee.

 

The Ziggurot

     The Ziggurot is one of Venus’ largest rides. The cars in which the guests ride take the form of mythological creatures. Unicorns and griffins and phoenixes are particularly popular among young children. The Ziggurot lines upon which the Ziggurot cars race are thirty stories off the ground. The lines zig and zag every twelve feet. Via The Ziggurot, guests can quickly make their way from Venus’ north most pole to the south most pole. Because the lines are above the car, guests aren’t always sure when they’ll be jerked into a new direction or in which land they will stop. It’s the wildest, fastest way to travel through all of the lands of the park.

 

The Balbosa

     Like the most important features on other planets, The Balbosa is so large it can be seen from space.

The Balbosa is composed two enormous, one-hundred-and-one-story-tall hairless, muscular men’s legs facing each other across a field, and a thirty-story-tall mottled crystal ball. Guests sit in both the opposing sandaled feet and within the mottled crystal ball.

The legs then fight each other competitively to kick the ball into Venus’ atmosphere. The ball flies into space, and orbits around Venus once before bouncing back to land.

 

The Fairytale Castle

     The Fairytale Castle is the least known attraction in all of Venus; not a single tourist has ever been within its hallowed walls. The castle is magical. Like most magical castles, its inhabitants have fallen under a curse. Within its royal hall, automaton royalty and courtiers were meant to lie wide-eyed in eternal slumber.

High atop the highest tower sits a bed fit for a princess waiting for the kiss that would awaken her. It is as empty as the knee cushion fashioned for the prince that would kneel by her side. The automatons are lost elsewhere, forgotten in time.  Only two living people on Venus knew why the Fairytale castle was abandoned uncompleted. And now, one of them is dead.

 

The Driller

     The Driller is a canary yellow and royal purple twelve-hundred foot cage with one pointed end, while the other end is attached to a massive arm.

Guests sit on the inside of The Driller’s cage. When the ride starts, the arm lifts the cage off the ground and the cage begins to spin right and then left and then right again. The arm continues to lift the cage into the air, until the arm is completely extended and the cage’s pointed end scrapes against Venus’ pink cotton candy atmosphere.

Guests are discouraged from reaching out of the cage in order to grab some cotton candy.

Once the arm is fully extended and the cage is spinning at a rate of ninety miles an hour, the arm jerks back and thrusts the cage in a completely different direction. Again and again, the arm jerks back in another direction and thrusts the cage forward again.

The Driller has been described as resembling a flamingo having an angry seizure.

Guests who are prone to angry seizures are discouraged from riding.

 

The Carousel of Children

     The Carousel of Children is the delight of all those parents that want to leave their offspring someplace safe and distracting while they go out and sample Venus’s more adult fare.

The giant spinning building is staffed with automatons that are programmed to entertain and care for the crowds of laughing and wailing children. Puppet shows and balloons and sharp-toothed clowns amuse and keep the kiddies in line.

Parents usually return to pick up their beloved offspring bearing candy apples and neon-colored popcorn balls, but if they fail to appear, the Carousel of Children also serves as The Venusian Center for New Employees.

 

The Launch Shuttle

     The tourist launch shuttles are neither very exciting, nor technically part of the attractions on Venus. They lift slowly, maneuver like gentle balloons, and generally have a hard time getting out of the way of anything faster than a cotton candy cloud.

On the day Helen attacked the park, many of the fleeing tourists considered the Launch Shuttle the most harrowing ride they had ever seen.

 

The Flaming Riders

     Only the bravest, or most inebriated, of Venus’ guests venture inside The Flaming Riders’ sleek black tent. Inside, bleachers levitate over the outer ring of a one-hundred foot wide fire pit. The fire pit extends one-thousand feet below Venus’ surface.

Guests sit on the bleachers, and cling to one another, hoping they don’t fall from their seats. Seven motorcyclists burst through the tent’s seven flaps, shoot into the air, fly over the crowd’s heads, the flaming pit, and land on the other side of the tent. When the motorcycles fly over the fire pit, the wheels catch on fire.

Again and again, the motorcycles shoot over the crowd and over the pit, crossing each other, doing loops in the air, or arching at odd angles. The motorcycles go faster and faster until only crossing lines of flame can be seen.

The Flaming Riders is Venus’ only attraction to exclusively feature human performers.

 

     The Doors of Life

      The Doors of Life is so tiny that most park guests never find it. Seemingly large enough for one small person, The Doors of Life is marked by the tent canvas’ shifting colors–electric indigo one moment, blending into Mediterranean green, and back again.

Once inside the tent, each guest will find herself inside a twelve-foot-by-twelve-foot room, covered with doors of all colors. A small, copper automaton rolls into the middle of the room. The guest is instructed to place a headband on her head.

Instantly, movies of events in the guest’s life appear behind the doors. The guest can open one door and focus on any event she likes, or open all the doors to view her entire history.

Once the doors show the guest’s life to the present time, each door shows the guest’s possible futures, including possible deaths.

Once guests see their pasts and their presents, most report having a clearer focus on what they want their futures to be. Very few guests go insane.